"And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth "You owe me!", Look what happens with love like that, it lights up the sky."

                                       Jalal ad-Din Rumi (1207-1273);  Persian poet.

The fact that Valentines Day and Family Day have fallen on the same weekend has inspired me to finally write about something that I've been considering for many years. The quote above, posted on Valentine's Day by one of my favorite sites, www.values.com, also inspired me and prompted me to post this beautiful sunrise captured during our last vacation at 10,000 feet elevation, above the clouds, as the sun rose, continuing its commitment to the earth without ever asking for anything in return.

What is "Love"? 

This is an age old topic, considered by many poets, philosophers and love-sick teenagers, jilted lovers, and just about anyone who ever cared for anyone else. On the surface, the answer seems so easy, but as you peel away the onion, it becomes a more difficult and interesting question. Of course there are all kinds of love: love for a pet, love for a child, a sibling or a parent, love of a best friend et cetera. What I am investigating is the full-meal deal, the love for a life-long romantic partner. 

In the early days of a relationship, during the honeymoon phase, love is easier to see and to define, it's that burning desire to be with someone, the way you feel when you're experiencing some new firsts in your relationship, the way you feel when they do something thoughtful for you and of course the way you feel when you are intimate.

That Special Someone

Another question that obviously plays into the situation, is "With how many people could I possibly find 'true love'?". I suppose the first requirement is "chemistry"; we need to find a person where there is a physical and a psychological connection. There is also the matter of compatibility. We all have our likes, dislikes, pet peeves; firstly, the baseline is that you have to find someone that doesn't irritate you. After that, there is the issue of long-term compatibility, and this evaluation, in my mind, is quite practical:  Do we share enough interests? Do we have a common set of values? Do we agree on key things like kids, places to live, how tidy we need to keep our living space? These are simple enough questions, but they can take serious time together to figure out and thus the benefit of a long term engagement, formal or informal. 

And then there's the "real love" part

The next part is what I believe is the real key to true love, and its not magical, its not destiny but it is passion in at least one sense of the word. Not the passion of a burning sexual desire between two people, that's there back even before the table stakes parts. I'm talking about commitment, passion or life's work of truly investing yourself in the love and happiness of another person without necessarily expecting anything in return. This may or may not sound attractive to you. Of course love is not a one-way street and we want to receive that love in return. I would suggest that, as with any passion, the reward comes in many ways and that has definitely been my experience. So that's great but is there a better way to achieve this? Is there a key to living and loving in this way? I believe there is, and it comes down to the way that we care about the ones we love.

Caring for what your partner cares about and Living in the Moment

Something dawned on me about a year or two ago. I realized that there is an immense difference between caring for someone, and caring about what they care about. Caring for someone is easy, you spend time together, you are intimate, you do things for them and they do things for you. There is another level of caring that is both subtle and extremely significant at the same time; that is to understand the interests of your partner, whether long term or in the moment, and caring to see those interests as the ones that you want to support for your partner, and that is caring for what they care about.

We hear a lot about (and I've written a lot about) living in the moment. In this case, adopting the concept of caring about what your partner cares about, allows you to experience things in a different and more enjoyable way; even if these happen to be things that you aren't necessarily thrilled about yourself. Perhaps an example is best.  I am not the greatest shopper in the world; its something I do of course, but I do it in the stereotypical male way of 'plan, get in and get out' way of shopping. However, when shopping with my wife, I invest myself in the situation; consider what she's looking for, thinking of what the target piece of clothing or pair of shoes is supposed to go with and getting involved in the search. In my opinion, this is a simple example of caring what the other person is caring about, in the moment, and this changes the entire experience for both sides of the partnership. It can be applied to simple conversation and in this case, it means the difference between just listening and really hearing (and caring) about what's being said. 

True Unending Commitment

So to me, this is the real love part. At some point, we realize the table-stakes are there, we enjoy each other's company well enough, we have enough common interests to find some pleasant things to do together. The rest is committing to that person, the loyalty, the investment in planning or finding time together, and most of all, the willingness to invest yourself in your partner's interests and concerns as if they were your own. And if you really think about it, this type of commitment love, is the same type of love that flows across all types of relationships whether it is blood-relationships where we are committed because of family ties or life-long friendships where we commit because we have established a valued relationship of respect and mutual investment in each other's interests and each other's successes and challenges. 

So with that, I wish you all a happy Family Day and joy in all of your loving relationships.