(Communication in a broken family)

 

In 2006 I became one of the unfortunate members of the broken family statistic. Well ok, it wasn't just me ... obviously it was my whole family unit. At the time I had two young boys, 7 and 10, as well as an older step-daughter who was 20 and well on her way as a young adult.
 
The boys lived with their mom and I had them regularly two out of three weekends. As we stumbled into this new reality I had a talk one day with my boys about relationships. How do you help kids understand this separation/divorce concept, when all they really want is mom and dad together ... in one house?  That's when I came up with my triangle theory.  So I drew them a triangle (kids are visual). At the three points of the triangle were:  Top - the Boys, Bottom Left - Mom, Bottom Right - Dad.  The triangle theory is about communication and love in a broken family.  Here's how it works:
 
Side 1: Boys to Mom
The boys love their mom and vice versa. That will ALWAYS be. The separation has not changed that and never will.  They have not "lost" their mom.
Side 2: Boys to Dad
The boys love their dad and vice versa. That will ALWAYS be. The separation has not changed that and never will. They have not "lost" their dad.
Side 3: Mom to Dad (The Adult Line)
The boys aren't on this side of the triangle. They can't and never will be able to "fix" mom and dad's side of the triangle.  They need to understand this!  They are not responsible for mom and dad ... but that doesn't diminish the love that flows on side 1 and side 2.  
 
Communication on the Triangle
Here's the bottom line (literally) for the parents.  ANY conflict in the context of the separation/divorce stays on the bottom line! Between the adults. You do not bring children into this potential war zone ... the post-traumatic stress could last a life time. Parents who use their children in this way are abusing their children. There is no other word for this ... abuse. They are acting selfishly, not in the best interest of the child. If the children get drawn down to the bottom line then the triangle disappears, and kids get hurt. It's tragic.

Parents communicate with the kids on side 1 and 2 of the triangle. On my side (dad and boys) ... mom doesn't exist.  Therefore I don't discuss my relationship with mom, I don't bad-mouth mom, I don't talk about our issues in front of the boys. It's all about our relationship (dad and boys). I have no control over Side 1 (mom and boys). I know that. I also know the emotional importance of that relationship to my boys. There is nothing in the world that I would do to compromise that!

 

As well, the boys often know intuitively (or maybe its blatant :) when there is conflict between mom and dad ...  but again they are not on the bottom line, so they've been taught they have no place there.  Occasionally they need a reminder :)
 
Admittedly, I was proud of myself for creating this model. I think it worked well in my situation, but the key is ... both parents have to be mature enough to adhere to the model (an equilateral triangle). My ex was on-board and we had this common understanding. In some cases it takes much self-discipline (and much tongue-biting) to listen to comments from the kids and not say what you really want to say! 
  
The triangle serves to protect kids from the potentially destructive dynamics of a divorce. They don't need to know the crap you are going through with your ex. They can't understand the complexities of conflict in relationships. And we don't want them to ... not a this age! Let them be kids!
 
Triangle To A Line
About a year ago I met an amazing single mom with 3 boys that she had raised virtually single-handed. Her boys are in their late teens, early twenties. All of them are incredibly, over-the-top smart. More importantly, they are all well mannered, well spoken, social, and engaging.  Just really great guys in every way! Imagine my surprise when I discovered that she had been using the triangle theory! (hmm, so much for my original concept! lol  ... or maybe .. great minds think alike :)
 
Unfortunately her ex isn't on the same page and sometimes draws the boys into situations they have no place to be. Recently this caused a great deal of stress, tension and conflict in her home. Now however, she has young free-thinking adults that have been drawn into the foray. And that's when I realized that eventually ... the triangle becomes a line. Eventually, kids become adults and they want a clear unobstructed view of what is really going on. They want to form their own opinions.
 
I've always expected that at some point I will have a candid conversation with my own boys about our family life before/after the separation. The split was more or less amicable, but there have been specific points of contention throughout the years. Who knows what mom's said?  I'd like the boys to know my version of the story ... when they are ready.
 
The turmoil at my friends' house has enlightened me as to the potential disaster that could result if this conversation is not broached with considerable forethought.  Here's what I observed:

Ultimately our kids will see the truth as they want to see it. It's a coming-of-age experience and that's fine, because the triangle is gone and they are now standing on the Adult Line. As parents we aren't perfect but if we demonstrate that we act in good faith and in their best interest ... what more can one do?

 

It is our responsibility to set the foundation, instill the values and give kids guidance in preparation for adulthood. As young adults, its time for them to take responsibility for their lives, make their own decisions, understand the past that has shaped who they are today ... and know they're now in control of their destiny ... and can choose who/what they will become in the future.

 

If we've done a good job parenting in a broken family situation, we will change the triangle to a straight line, then move to the sidelines ... and forever cheer our kids on to success!